- I have drugs on the brain. Not literally, but um, all the time I'm thinking about them. The mechanisms of action, the classes, side effects, dosing norms. And when I'm not thinking about them I'm worrying that I will forget about what I previously learned. Oh how this course is an energy sucker, and brain filler/over-filler.
- I cried over an 80% on a pharmacology quiz, feeling defeated, and not smart enough for this, and terrified over the "failing" grade (yes, folks that is right, and B- is failing in my nurse practitioner grad program). The result = ugly, soggy eyes the next day. I go back to school looking like this the next day, and when I stop for a bathroom break, and glimpse at my mug in the mirror I have a lightbulb moment of - HOLY MOLEY girlfriend, perhaps it would be wise to take a look in the mirror before leaving home...
- So I pull myself together, and I study like hell for a week. Taking breaks to make memories in the form of oatmeal scotchies with my kiddos (because they remind me of my mom, and are yummy, and well we just love baking together). The mid-study break snack is a taste of perfection.
- I sleep less, and therefore consume more coffee than I should (it is yummy - mhmmm hazelnut creamer and french vanilla roast)...and omg, my coffee mug and my soggy, ugly eyed shameless self portrait = twins...)
- I might have a ceremonious pharmacology book burn at the end of this term in our fire pit, complete with marshmallows, my Mr. and the littles that I love to the moon...oh but wait, I think I will need to keep it as a reference. Bummer.
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| hello there big toe... |
WIN.
- I drive 50 minutes one way, to my preceptor site that I found myself, to learn how to be a pediatric nurse practitioner from a stranger. A kind, generous, sweet, stranger. While there, I get to diagnose and treat kids. I make a difference. I play a role, which feels far bigger than I should be able to. I get intimidated, and when I have self doubt - like this role is far too big for my brain, and I'll never get this down - my preceptor tells me I am a rockstar. Positive affirmation right when I need it. She is perfect, and kind, and I am learning boatloads of information from her.
- I get stuck in traffic daily, and capture pictures of this small city I call home now, which makes me miss my old, big city of Portland so very, very much.
- and time stuck in the car, means time missed with my family, and that makes me sad. So I send shameless pictures of myself to my husband, because I miss him, so much. He sends me text messages back about how beautiful I am, and calls me his queen. And I pinch myself, and smile a huge cheese-ball smile, because I.am.so.very.very.lucky.
- This here. It is a phase, and it will be over in the blink of an eye. Instead of being a huge diva of a complainer, I am focusing on thankfulness. Thankful for earning one of the 25 spots in the family nurse practitioner program, for the opportunity to someday provide more for my family, for just 11 short months left of class/clinicals/studying, for the ability to feel smart enough to do this, and for my amazing husband who cheers me on during times when I don't feel smart enough, for my kids who are the perfect distraction when I need to step away from the studying drama...just, thankful.
- Perception is everything, and this last year of the program, I've changed it. And that is so.very. good.
1 comment:
You are certainly a rock star and you are certainly beautiful. :-) If any one can do this... It's you! Hang in there!
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