On healing broken hearts

My Gramps had heart surgery yesterday, "to heal his broken heart" Jovie says.  Hoping this surgery is the start to some good things, and a much improved quality of life for one of my favorite people ever.

I raced him in my uncle's back yard when I was a teen.  He kicked my butt…and I was pretty fast too.  He's got fight, lots of fight, and it was obvious today when I got the text from my Grandma that he was off the ventilator by 1am, and already up in a chair by 7am this morning.  He's is a rockstar on post op day 0.  My Grandma said he's pretty sedated now and has been sleeping most of the day, and in pain (which is expected).  He is in the ICU, but I'm sure will be moved in no time to step down, where he'll annoy his nurses and try to do more than he should.  He's not out of the woods yet, praying for no blood clots, stroke, bleeding, or any crazy heart rate issues.  Wishing that Oregon wasn't so far away, always, but today especially.

and I am ashamed to admit, but that was only the second time ever that I've talked to my Grandma since we left Oregon.  The second time.

Because I suck.

I've done this distance thing for 4.5 years now.  I've learned in those 4.5 years that I've sucked at it and have been doing it all so terribly wrong.  I've neglected relationships because it is hard.  Hard to just talk on the phone.  In general it is hard for me to talk on the phone because of my chaotic life, which I can easily use as a legit excuse.  But the truth of it all is, I'm not a phone girl, have never been.  It worked out just fine when I was in Oregon because I could see people face to face on a regular basis.  Give them hugs.  Then I moved away, and that was that.  I thought being away without talking would be easier.  Because talking on the phone and actually being with people face to face is just so, SO different to me.  I figured if I didn't talk on the phone I wouldn't be as homesick.  But it turns out, that I'm still homesick, and I've lost 4.5 years of relationships.  

I hate that it has taken his heart surgery for me to figure this out.  That our time is so very limited and tomorrow is never promised.  I have a slew of phone messages from people I love saved in my cell, and I don't want those to be the things that keeps my homesick heart at rest anymore.

So I'm making changes, and calls.  And hoping my heart is filled with happy and less homesick in the process.  Today, talking to my Grandma was just the start.  She's witty and hilarious, and just what I needed.

So here is to making changes, and phone calls, and to healing broken hearts.