Finding yourself in the Middle of Nowhere

I remember laying on the floor of that white, brick walled studio apartment in Portland.  The one where I had to stuff a towel under the door to snuff out the cigarette smoke of my not so polite fellow next door apartment dweller.  It was my first experience living on my own.  I was 18 years old.  It was magical.  Days were filled with college classes, endless opportunity to go on runs in the amazing hills/trails of Portland, and living off of cereal and fruit.  I was in the best shape of my life, spent every possible moment with the love of my life.  We had all the time in the world.  We'd take afternoon naps to prepare for extensive study sessions or to rest up for long runs in preparation for our upcoming marathon.  It was Fall 2003.  We were young, and had the world ahead of us.  We'd daydream about our fairytale ideals - which never included a white picket fence, instead the details of what would make up that typical American dream to us - Paul and Kristina. 

He wanted 2 kids, I always wanted 4.  We wanted a house big enough to fit us comfortably, and a room for each of our kids so they wouldn't have to share.  Paul and I grew up sharing a room, which isn't the end of the world, but we sure wanted to be able to "spoil" our children with never having to room together.  We discussed the need to have a big yard, at least an acre.  I dreamed about our kids being raised with their cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents.  He dreamt of a career as a mad scientist at a big research institution, and training for the olympics.  I dreamt of be a wife/mama.

Some people have their dream 5, 10 and 15 year plans.  Us, we had our American dreams we planned up that day in the fall of 2003, while cuddled up on the mattress, of that cigarette smoke smelling PDX campus apartment.  We had our dreams, paired those dreams with a whole lot of hard work, and then made hard decisions to make these dreams reality. 

Reality now: is in the middle of Nowhere, Mississippi.  But I am finding that sometimes when you find yourself in the middle of nowhwere, sometimes, in the middle of nowhere you really find yourself.

Finding ourselves (Paul and I) includes accepting that we're both terribly out of shape, obviously crushing those Olympic dreams he once day dreamed about.  But he is only 31, so watch out world, he could have a come back and shock everyone!!!  In all honesty, my Mr. is a powerhouse, so if he wants to be an Olympic athlete I have no doubt he will.  We do have plans to remedy the out of shape-ness (personal trainer for him, marathon training for me).

While I am far from the stay at home wife/mama I dreamt about, I am finding my groove.  Some days that groove is a little reluctant, but out of necessity, I am slowly beginning to accept myself as a working mama.  And my family, we're doing just fine with it.  We're learning to revel in the weekends, and the evening at home together. 

That house where everyone has their own bedroom and an acre of yard...well we moved out of it.  Instead we're cozy in our new house, Hartley is roomed up with us, which is fine by me.  I adore soaking up babies for as long as they are babies, because we all know they certainly do not keep forever.  We're adjusting to not having an acre for the moment, instead finding that our middle littles really like to explore all the local parks/places around here.  We do have plans to remedy our shortcomings of a backyard though in the near future, and Kip reminds me daily "some day we'll move into a house like my favorite yellow house again, mom?  Tomorrow?"  Not yet, son, not yet.  But it'll be coming soon enough.

Paul and I are learning what life after the chaos of having one of us in college/graduate school for the past 10 years looks like...and realizing that we actually have a little bit of time to enjoy each other again.  All in all, though, to show for the past 9 years of marriage, much has been accomplished: 8 college degrees, 4 babies, multiple moves (from just moving apartments, to moving cities, to finally moving states), the purchase/sale of our first house, purchase of our second house, and a variety of some really random jobs sprinkled in to make ends meet...and two people madly in love, destined to make this life together fierce and amazing.

We've always just taken a job based on necessity at the moment.  His job at Bellarmine because that was the position available at the time, in his field, that would provide job security/financial stability for our family.  The same goes for my work on weekend nursing job.  Both were amazing for what they were able to do for our family - provide and be the babysteps in our careers.  But there was something missing for both of us, for him - the ability to do greatness, for me the ability to be more of a family focuses mama while still contributing financially. 

Then came Mississippi.  The state of change on the job front for us - being able to find ourselves in our careers.  To take a job for the betterment of our career, and not solely based on accepting it because it provides for our family's needs.  After being employed for 15 years, my Mr. finally has his very first job that has allowed him what he wants in terms of teaching/research.  While it was an abrupt decision, and I've had several "what in the hell did we get ourselves into moments" about this move, it has also been a move of amazing opportunity for both of our jobs.

Paul has one PhD student set to come work with him this next fall, which he just smiles that disappearing eye smile, when he talks about.  He also has two other graduate students inquiring about working with him, who have planned visits to come tour the campus.  His teaching load has allowed him to have time to apply for 4 big grants, and be home with our kids while I was in job limbo (sitting at a not so ideal position, waiting for a more ideal position to become available) to try and help make ends meet a bit easier.  This term he is only teaching one course, and it is grad students. 

Yesterday, I got a job offer that will change a lot of things.  Most importantly it will change the flow of our household, and the flow of our bank account.  It is a hospitalist nurse practitioner position - meaning that once a physician deems a patient necessary for hospital admission, I'll be the one doing the admission assessment and the initial examination.  I'll work night shift, which will be a huge adjustment for sweet Hartley girl to not have her mama at night, and my poor husband who will have to deal with the mess that is a baby wanting her mama.  It is full time (until I am officially trained then I am told there is a possibility of discussing part time).  The schedule is 7 days on, 7 days off for 12 hour shifts...and it is a 60 minute one-way commute (such is life in a more rural area, fewer jobs mean for longer commutes to get to/from places with jobs).

After reading this all, that seems like a lot of non-ideals for a position to accept, but there are a lot of ideals too.  It is difficult as a new grad NP to find employment in MS as they require 720 hours of monitored practice before I can practice without someone hovering over me.  Companies/private practices do not want to pay someone until they have obtained this 720 hours, and I finally found a place willing to do so.  Aside from this, I can get any NP job after working in this position, even if it only works out for me to be there for a few months, if necessary (if I found one closer to home), I'll always have a MD available at all times to help me if I have any question, I'll be able to learn so stinking much.  Then, drumroll, there is the salary part too... a HUGE perk to the job.  When they told me what I would make I was in shock.  Like, I actually did this NP thing, and have the ability to make NP type of salary now, and it all just seems like so much more than I could have ever achieved.  So, there is that.   After much consideration with Paul, we have decided for me to accept this position.  I mean, the worst thing that can happen is that I stay there until something closer to home opens up.   I have plans to start Nov 3rd, pending APRN licensure by the ever so slow Mississippi Board of Nursing.  That darn "Mississippi Way" strikes again.

So hoping that 1) the APRN license process goes off without a hitch and 2) my Hartley Lane adjusts to having her mama gone 7 nights a week and sleeps like a gem those nights 3) my kids all adjust to this crazy 7 nights of straight work, and savor the 7 days I am home and 4) my husband stays sane doing bedtime solo 7 nights each week (or that we find a perfect nanny to help these nights)...and if #2-4 above are just an epic failure, than 5) that a position closer to home/a better fit for my family opens up quickly. 

Our life is always an adventure.  Seems to be the Loprinzi way.

And when/if the adventure ends up sucking - we rally, and immediately remedy it (remember South Africa?!)  So I have no worries about this next new job transition.  As a smart cookie once told me "the only loyalty you have is to your family."  So I have no hesitation in quitting a job as fast as I started it, if it doesn't align with what my family needs from me.

Cheers Paul, we're both heading in a sweet direction together, in life and in our careers.  New adventure awaits, I'm excited/nervous/anxious to see how this plays out for us, and what life will look like in October 2015 because of this job opportunity.