In this time I've mastered the basic nursing skills that once made me so timid in nursing school - starting IVs, drawing blood, interpreting lab values, inserting catheters, cleaning up bodily fluids, performing a nursing assessment... but nursing isn't just that. It is so, SO much more.
As I am in the homestretch of my nurse practitioner program, and preparing to move on in my journey as an advanced practice nurse I wonder how my role will transform. More importantly how this role will transform me, as an individual. While I can say I am ready, oh so very ready, to step away from the exhausting days of bedside nursing, it is such a bittersweet moment.
I'll miss the wonderful men and women who I worked alongside for those tough 12+ hour shifts. The co-workers who have helped shape me, teach me, and guide me in the direction of greatness. I'll miss the beauty of the 3 day work week, and the options that come along with it - working days or nights, weekdays or weekends, or switching specialities because you just need a change…now. Yes there are so many perks to the life of a bedside nurse. But there are also the days when the 12 hour shifts are more than you can mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically handle. The sort of shifts that make you feel so many more feelings than you knew possible.
- I've sat next to the bedside of an elderly patient, just her and I. I held her hand and spoke things to her as she took her last breath, things that I'd want someone to speak to me when I'm at that place. It broke my heart that she was alone, with an absolute complete stranger in her very last moments. She was my first death, and will forever be a lasting memory. I remember every detail of it all, even the moments as I tearfully prepared her body for the morgue.
- I've sat with a husband as he tearfully said he last goodbye to his wife of 52 years, helped him to slip off the wedding ring she'd worn all those years and lend him support as he whispered last words to her.
- I've broken ribs on 5 different patients while performing CPR - I remember ever, single, situation. The way these patients once quiet rooms turn chaotic in moments as soon as the code button is pressed. I've made those dreaded phone calls to families, in a hurry, to inform them that they should carefully get to the hospital immediately to be here for those last few moments with a loved one.
- I've seen babies born to families excitedly expecting them. Rejoiced in new life with these families, and taken pictures of the special occasion.
- I've also seen a young, single mama make the brave choice to gift another couple with her baby, the baby she carried for 37 weeks and 4 days, and loved, and read to every night from the time she realized the baby could hear. She gave that couple the gift of a family, something they couldn't provide for themselves, despite her breaking heart.
- I've been in the room as a family said goodbye to their 3 day old infant. Then sat in these stunned parent's room as they talked through the unbearable choices ahead for their child. Choices much different than the ones of which coming home outfit they would put their baby in. Choices that included - to bury or cremate, to do an autopsy or not, to plan a big funeral or just a small remembrance ceremony.
- I've carefully prepared hand and footprints, taken multiple pictures, and dressed a stillborn baby for parents who were too in shock to deal with life.
- I've been in the room as an oncologist discusses the "C" news, for the very first time with a patient. I've been there as the patient was told of a poor outcome, but could proceed with therapies in hopes of a more time. I've discussed pros and cons of these options that now stood for this patient with her, options like chemotherapy, radiation, and getting a port surgically placed to administer these toxic treatments. I've helped clean up hair, long, gorgeous brown hair from the hospital bathroom - that fell out in chunks as a result of chemotherapy treatment number 4 for a patient. I cried there, in the bathroom with her, as she felt so embarrassed about this loss. "It is just hair" she said. Further describing this hair as such a materialistic thing, but something that gave her confidence and a smile.
- I've done a dressing change on a patient with gangrene to his foot, whose toes fell off as I peeled away the dressing. These toes that this patient desperately was hoping would somehow be cured of the gangrene, because this patient had already suffered an above the knee amputee on the other leg.
- I've packed wounds so deep and massive that my entire hand fit inside this patient's body.
I've been part of the lives of many people, and while many patients comment on their thankfulness for my care, they don't know how their situation changes and influences my life. It is because of these situations that I've been forced to become involved in, that i have grown so very much. I've done things; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually way more demanding than I ever thought I was capable of…and for that, I'll always be so thankful for this journey. I am a different woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend because I am a nurse.
and that is the absolute truth about nursing, and the reason why this transition from bedside nurse to nurse practitioner is exciting, thrilling, nerve-wrecking, but most of all, so very bittersweet.
I'll take these memories with me, and continue to grow and change in my upcoming role.
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